It’s surprising how much we can learn in the years we have lived on Earth when we have an open mind and are willing to take the leap into the unknown. I find doing this to be ideal as opposed to leading down the path people are building for you through your efforts for them or by their expectations.
To do this is difficult though as you have pointed out it can be difficult — even now — to fully express yourself. Right now, I’m in that sort of state partially due to my own desire to earn more of a living. Still, showing that vulnerability is key to our growth as we strive to find solutions.
What you have learned in 30 years has been tremendous and that will only make you stronger.