This is incredible James! I know for myself I’ve been kind of struggling with that as well. Although I have never devoted my time to 13 years at a job I didn’t like, I can understand a little about what you dealt with and are still dealing with today. I left my job because I felt dead, uncaring, and going through the motions as well even though I was working for the company for a few months at that point. I had that hunger, that strong desire to take the red pill that I’d do anything, even making “a dumb move.”
Anyway I’m sure you’ll get out of this in due time. I know you’ll make it and in the end you’ll realize a lot more things as well. Life is an adventure after all!